


we fall for each other at the wrong time

by cresswell



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/M, Mutual Pining, Mutually Unrequited, What the Hell, this took me so long to write
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-31
Updated: 2016-05-31
Packaged: 2018-07-11 07:06:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,392
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7035001
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cresswell/pseuds/cresswell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Will your girlfriend be there?”</p>
<p>He looks at her incredulously. “Maya,” he says softly, “there is no girlfriend.”</p>
<p>A beat of silence passes between them, and then two, and then three, and then Maya can’t take it anymore. “Oh.”</p>
<p>“Yeah.”</p>
<p>“Well.” Maya shifts her weight, looking everywhere but his face. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”</p>
<p>Josh quirks his lips. “No, I mean there was never a girlfriend. I went on dates here and there, but...” he shrugs. “Nothing ever stuck.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	we fall for each other at the wrong time

Maya’s struggling to keep her eyes open when the front door to the Matthews apartment opens, and suddenly she’s wide awake.

“Josh,” she says as a greeting, sounding surprised, smoothing a hand over her wild hair to force it into a somewhat decent shape. “What’re you doing here?”

“What’re _you_ doing here?” He shoots back before pausing and shaking his head. “Never mind. You’re always here.”

She flashes him a smile, batting her eyes, and it would make a weaker man swoon. “Aren’t you supposed to be at college?”

Josh’s body goes tense, and even though his back is to her, she frowns, noticing something’s wrong. “I just need to stay here for the night.”

“Why?” Maya’s stomach drops, suddenly horribly afraid that something had happened to him. She scrambles up from the couch, careful not to jostle Riley’s sleeping form, and trips her way over to him in the dark of the living room. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, Maya, I’m fine.” He sounds exasperated with her, but when he glances over his shoulder, his face is soft and appreciative.

She hovers close to him anyway, unsure of what to do. She’s not used to being unsure around Josh, because she’s _never_ unsure about Josh-- never unsure about her feelings for him, never unsure of how great a person he is, never unsure of how pretty he is. But he seems sad and tired in a way he hasn’t before, and she doesn’t know what to do.

Finally, biting her lip, she says, “Do you wanna talk about it?”

He turns to face her, and she’s relived to see he doesn’t have a black eye or split lip or something else equally horrible. She wrings her hands, trying and failing to not stare at the way he chews his bottom lip. Squaring his shoulders, he says, “I kind of do, actually, yeah.”

She blinks, feeling her mouth open and close stupidly for a moment before she remembers to speak. “Oh, yeah, okay,” she stutters. She hadn’t been expecting him to say yes. “So, we’ll just-- right over here, I guess--” She gestures awkwardly to the bay window. It’s not as good as hers and Riley’s, but it’ll do.

They sit on the seat together, and Maya sits on her hands because she’s afraid if she doesn’t she’ll give into the incessant need to touch him. His body language tells her he’s exhausted, and she wiggles her fingers beneath her thighs, wishing she could somehow soothe whatever problem he’s going through.

“I don’t want to wake up Riley,” Josh says, keeping his voice quiet.

Maya snorts in a way that is not at all attractive. “Girl sleeps like the dead. You know that.”

She’s graced with a faint smile, one side of Josh’s mouth raising higher than the other. “ _You_ were always a light sleeper,” he says.

Maya stills, eyes wide, and Josh clears his throat, reaching a hand up to rub at the back of his neck. Sometimes she wishes she’d never told him she liked him, because then they could avoid uncomfortable situations like _this_.

Taking a steadying breath, she pulls her knees up to her chin and wraps her arms around her legs. “So, what’s going on?”

He shrugs. “Not really anything, which is the weird part.”

She frowns. “What do you mean?”

“I mean that I took the subway all the way here at eleven o’clock at night for no other reason besides that I was homesick.” He sounds miserable. “How sad is that? I’m a student in college, not even a whole state away, and I’m homesick.” 

Maya opens her mouth, but before she can speak, he throws her a warning glare. “Don’t laugh at me.”

She holds up her hands in a placating gesture. “I wasn’t going to laugh at you. I understand.”

He quirks an eyebrow at her. “You do?”

“Yeah.” She nods, giving him what she hopes is a comforting smile. “It’s hard not to be homesick when you’ve got a place like this to call home.”

The smile he gives her in return is slow-spreading and bright and lovely and her knees would be giving out on her if she hadn’t already been sitting down. She hides her happy, giddy grin in the tops of her knees, thankful that it’s dark so he can’t see how red her cheeks are.

“You know what, Hart?” He replies quietly, his smile soft and wonderful. “You’re right.” He pauses. “Thank you.”

She wiggles her toes in her socks, trying to contain her warm, fuzzy feeling. “Any time.”

“Goodnight, Maya.”

“Goodnight, Josh.”

He messes up her hair a bit as he leaves, the gesture sweet and affectionate, and Maya has to remain on the window seat for a few more minutes to slow her erratic heartbeat.

 

* * *

 

Josh is around constantly after that. He’s staying with his brother indefinitely, he tells her, and she wishes he wouldn’t sound so self-deprecating about it.

And if Maya starts spending the night more frequently-- well, it’s just a happy coincidence.

They decide to have another game night, and Riley invites Lucas and Farkle, and Maya wants to curl up and hide. She doesn’t think she can handle having both Josh _and_ Lucas in the same room as her at the same time, especially not when Lucas is busy making heart eyes at Riley and Josh’s repeated _I’m too old for you_ plays on a loop in her head.

So she stays uncharacteristically quiet throughout the game, only speaking to snark at Farkle or laugh when laughter is required, sandwiched between Riley and Farkle. She’s only half-playing the game, anyway, her mind getting caught on how nice Lucas smells and the way Josh’s shoulders shift beneath his t-shirt.

Something must show on her face, because Josh’s foot knocks hers gently beneath the table, and he raises an eyebrow questioningly at her. She shakes her head quickly, throwing her dice and moving her game piece mechanically, trying not to look at how closely Riley and Lucas are talking.

In the corner of her vision, she sees them kiss. It’s chaste and innocent and sweet but she feels herself stand up suddenly, knocking Farkle’s head off her shoulder. Riley’s attention is on her immediately, worried and unsure. “Maya?”

Maya shakes her head, forcing a smile. “Sorry, just-- excuse me.”

She darts upstairs as quickly as her legs will allow, trying not to slip on the hardwood floor. When she reaches Riley’s room, she throws herself down on the bed, burying her face in Riley’s pillow. She will not cry. She will not cry. She is strong and impenetrable and she will not cry.

After a few minutes of trying to calm her shaky breathing, there’s a soft knock at the door. She sits up quickly, swiping her hands over her cheeks even though there’s no tears. “Just one sec, Riley.”

“It’s Josh,” Josh says, and Maya’s heart jumps into her throat. He peeks his head inside. “Can I come in?”

She nods and scoots over, making room for him on the bed. He sits beside her, and she can feel him watching her, but she keeps her gaze resolutely away.

Finally, he sighs. “I’m sorry.”

She whips her head around, furrowing her eyebrows at him. “For what?”

“I’m sorry you like Lucas,” he says. “I know that’s got to be hard.”

She blushes, but she’s not sure if it’s due to embarrassment or anger. “Whatever,” she mumbles. There’s no point in denying it, not when she becomes so transparent around him. “Not your fault.”

“I know. But I’m still sorry.”

She nods once, staring at the floor, and they lapse into an uncomfortable silence. She wants him to leave, but she also wants very badly for him to stay, and she wants to kiss him. But life isn’t fair, so she bites her tongue.

It’s Josh who breaks the silence. “Riley deserves someone who cares about her and would never hurt her, so I’m glad she found Lucas,” he says. “But you deserve that, too, Maya. You deserve someone who loves you, and only you, no matter what.”

Maya’s eyes widen at the floor. She’s afraid to breathe.

In her peripheral vision, she sees Josh rub the back of his neck. It’s a tick, she knows, one that means he’s bashful or embarrassed or uncomfortable. She wonders which one it is this time. He stands. “I’m going to go back down.”

Maya just nods, pressing her cheek against her knee.

There’s a beat of silence in which she expects him to leave, but he stays. “I’ll tell them you’re feeling sick, okay?” He asks softly.

She nods, feeling her face screwing up. “Okay.”

The door has barely shut behind him before hot tears are streaking down her cheeks.

 

* * *

 

Maya and Farkle decide to be each other’s dates for all high school dances-- indefinitely-- and Riley could not be more excited.

“This is so fun!” She squeals, falling back on her bed as Maya struggles to clasp her high heels. “You and Farkle and Lucas and I can go on double dates! Isn’t that exciting?”

Maya grimaces at the floor. “Yeah, Riles. Super nice.”

Truth be told, she and Farkle had only come up with the idea so they didn’t mope around, sad and alone, at school dances while Lucas and Riley were all lovey-dovey. Farkle may like Maya, but he _loves_ Riley, and Maya doesn’t know what the hell she wants anymore, so it had seemed like a good plan.

“But we’re not dating,” Maya adds mechanically, a hint of impatience sneaking into her tone. Riley just doesn’t understand.

“I know,” Riley says, her voice mischievous. “You’re not dating _yet_.”

Maya straightens, throwing her hands up in exasperation. “Seriously, Riley?”

But Riley doesn’t reply. Her eyes grow comically wide, her jaw dropping, and Maya frowns in alarm. “What?”

“You look like a princess,” Riley says in a hushed tone.

Maya turns and looks at her reflection in the full-length mirror. Truth be told, she does feel her heart stutter a bit at how pretty she looks-- and feels-- but she just smooths her hands over the soft pink fabric of her dress and tries not to look too smug. “Thanks.”

Riley smiles back before launching herself up off her bed. “D’you mind if I head downstairs? Mom wanted to do some pictures, and I don’t want to leave Lucas alone with Dad for too long.”

“Yeah, go ahead,” Maya says. She gets to work on her makeup, making all the details light and soft and pretty. She doesn’t feel real-- doesn’t feel like Maya. But she thinks that for one night, that’s okay.

When she’s finally satisfied with her makeup and hair-- which had been a bitch to tame, by the way-- she heads downstairs, walking very carefully to avoid tripping and falling. She doesn’t think Farkle would be very pleased if she broke her neck and made him go to the dance alone.

She’s so busy watching her feet and making sure she doesn’t step on the hem of her dress that she runs into someone at the foot of the stairs and teeters off-balance. With a sharp inhale, she starts to fall, but before she can hit the ground, Josh catches her.

“Whoa there,” he says in surprise, his smile crooked and dimpled. She feels like she’s going to throw up. “Sorry about that. You okay?”

She nods faintly, mad at her inability to act normally around him. She’d been doing so well, and now here she is, reduced to an awkward, fumbling mess at the sight of him. “Yeah. Thanks, for-- for catching me.”

He quirks his eyebrow. “Any time. It’s my fault, anyway.” He holds up his phone sheepishly. “I was too busy texting to look where I was going.”

Maya raises her eyebrows, cocking her head. “What, texting some hot girl?”

Josh hesitates and Maya’s stomach plummets. He blushes slightly and it’s all the confirmation Maya needs, so she forces a smile and picks up her skirts. “Well, I’ll leave you to it.”

She’s halfway through her dramatic exit when Josh grabs her wrist. “Hey,” he says, voice soft, and when she turns around she catches his gaze on her body. “You look wonderful.”

She flutters her eyelashes, gracing him with a smile. “Thank you.”

The compliment makes her feel lightheaded and soft, but then she remembers that Josh is busy texting some hot college girl and her heart turns hard again. “Sorry,” she says, turning to actually walk away this time, “but I’ve got to get to my date.”

She doesn’t bother looking to see his reaction.

 

* * *

 

Josh is still living at the Matthews’, but Maya feels like she sees him less and less. Whenever she comes over (which is a lot), he suddenly remembers he has somewhere to be-- at a study session, at work, or _at a date_.

Maya hates that last one.

So she’s surprised when she walks into the Matthews apartment and he’s the only one in sight, eating cereal at the kitchen table.

“The hell are you eating cereal for?” She asks, setting her backpack down on the couch. Josh jumps and claps a hand over his heart, obviously startled. “It’s nearly 5 p.m.”

“Yeah, well, I’m hungry.” He pauses. “And don’t swear.”

She scoffs. “’Hell’ is hardly a swear. And anyway, I go to public school.”

She can feel him watching her as she rummages around in the pantry, trying to find something to snack on. She takes her time, liking the way his eyes feel on her.

“Where’s Riley?” He says finally. “Or Cory?”

Maya shrugs. “Dunno. I think they’re doing a dad-daughter bonding thing. But they said I could come over and chill here.” She tilts her head, giving him a dry look. “Why? Am I in your way?”

“Not yet,” Josh says warily, “but I’m not holding my breath.”

Maya throws her hands up. “Okay, _what_ is going on?”

Josh looks determinedly down at his bowl. “What do you mean?”

“Oh, come on. Don’t play dumb.” She drums her fingers on the tabletop until he looks up. “We-- we were good, right? We were doing good. And now, every time I’m around, you haul ass to get away.” He opens his mouth, and she holds up her hand. “ _Do not_ correct my language right now.”

“I wasn’t going to,” he defends, and she gives him a look, waiting for him to answer her question. “Look, I don’t know what you mean by ‘we were doing good’. You’re my niece’s best friend. That’s it.”

“Oh, bullshit,” Maya exclaims, crossing her arms and looking at him incredulously. “We’re friends, Josh! We always have been since that Christmas.” She hesitates. “I’m kind of upset that you’d say otherwise.”

“No, okay--” Josh rubs a hand over his face tiredly. “I didn’t mean it. We’re friends; you’re right.”

“Then I wanna know what the issue is, because you’ve been avoiding me.”

Josh is quiet for a moment. “I just... I thought it would be good to put some space between us.”

Maya stares. “Dude, there’s already _so much_ space between us.”

“I just mean... I thought maybe it’d be a good idea to distance myself from you, considering you...” he trails off, gesturing vaguely at her.

She raises her eyebrows. “Considering I...?”

He scrunches up his face. “Considering you like me.”

Maya’s dead silent for one heartbeat, two heartbeats, three; on the fourth, she bursts out laughing, causing Josh to make a startled face. “What?” He asks.

“Don’t flatter yourself,” she spits out, still giggling.

He has the nerve to look offended. “So you don’t--?”

“ _No_. God.” She’s lying, she’s lying through her teeth, and she hopes he can’t tell. “I got over that a long time ago. Don’t worry.”

“Oh,” Josh says, somewhat awkwardly, and it silences her laughter. “Well. That’s good.”

“Yeah.” She arches an eyebrow, watching him with narrowed eyes. “Well, if that’s the only reason you were keeping me at arm’s length... you can stop, I guess.”

He gives her a smile, one that still feels controlled and restrained, and she sighs inwardly. “Okay. Good.”

She smiles back at him. “Good.”

(That night, after debating it in her head for the better half of an hour, she texts him _goodnight best friend!!! xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo_.

He responds with the snoring emoji. She considers it a win.)

 

* * *

 

In the weeks following, texting becomes normal for them. She sends him memes to wake up to and he responds with the eye-rolling emoji. He texts her jokes and complaints about people she’s never met and she texts him goodnight and sends selfies of her and Riley and it’s... good, overall. It’s really good.

And because she’s daring and brave and Maya Hart, she decides to take it to the next step. She knows if she doesn’t, he never will, because she’s always the one to push-- she pushes, he gives in. It works.

She and Riley are sitting outside their favorite froyo place, and when Riley gets up to go to the bathroom, Maya immediately grabs her phone. She calls Josh without overthinking it, her heart pounding the way it always does when she does something reckless and potentially stupid.

It rings long enough that she’s sure he won’t pick up-- but then, at the last second, he does: “Maya?”

“Hey.” She licks at her spoon, trying to stay cool. “Do you like froyo?”

He’s quiet for a long moment and Maya smirks to herself, figuring she’s shocked him into silence. “I... yeah, I guess. Why are you calling me, Maya?”

She’s a little taken aback. “Because I can? Because we’re friends?” She stabs moodily at her melting cup of yogurt. “Because you haven’t been at the house lately and I miss talking to you?”

_I miss_ you, she thinks.

Josh sighs. “Listen, Maya--”

“Nuh-uh,” she says, cutting him off. “You already said you like froyo, so unless you’re very busy or dying, get your ass down to 42nd and join Riley and I.”

He hesitates before answering. “Um, I can’t. I have-- I have a date in a few hours, and I need to do a few things before I pick her up, and I just... can’t.”

Maya swallows past the lump that’s suddenly formed in her throat, forcing a smile even though he can’t see it. “Yeah, of course. No problem.”

“Look, maybe another time, okay?” He offers, but Maya knows the tone he’s using. He pities her. “I’ll make it up to you, I promise.”

“Don’t worry about it. Have fun with your girlfriend.”

Josh starts to say “She’s not my--” but Maya hangs up before he can finish.

“Hey,” Riley’s voice says suddenly, and Maya realizes she’s back from the bathroom. Her best friend is looking at her with wide, concerned eyes, reaching out a gentle hand to her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”

Maya holds back her tears for a few seconds, but then they’re spilling out, because she can’t hide anything from Riley. She leans into Riley’s shoulder, her breath hiccuping. “I think I’m in love with Josh.”

Riley’s hand begins to stroke her hair. “Oh, Maya.”

“I know. God, I know. But we’re-- we’re close, Riles. I feel it. And I thought maybe he did too, but he has a _date_ tonight, and I don’t-- I don’t know. I don’t know.”

Riley rubs her back. “I know.”

“I’m so stupid.”

“Hey,” Riley says sharply, tilting Maya’s chin up so she can look in her eyes. “You’re not stupid. You’re one of the wisest people I know. And if Josh is making you feel stupid, then you don’t need him.”

“It’s not _Josh_ making me feel stupid,” Maya says, smudging her hand across her eyes. “It’s _me_. I thought I was over this. Over _him_.”

“You’ll get there,” Riley says kindly, and she sounds so much like she believes it that Maya sort of believes it, too.

 

* * *

  

Maya lets herself mope for a few weeks, but before she knows it it’s December and it’s impossible to mope around Christmastime. She’s been coming up with excuses to get out of hanging out at the Matthews’, because Josh is always there and Lucas is always there and it makes Maya’s heart hurt. She’s curled up drawing when there’s a knock on the front door, and she groans as she stands, rubbing her eyes blearily. “Coming,” she calls, padding down the hallway.

She opens the door and her breath catches. Josh is there, his hands shoved deep in his pockets, a beanie pulled over his head. _God, I love him in beanies_ , she thinks. Then she frowns. _Stop it, Maya._

“So,” she says, trying to be casual. “What brings you here?”

He squares his shoulders, looking vaguely uncomfortable and unsure. “Well, Riley will probably ask you soon,” he says. “But you haven’t been around much lately, and she’s been busy, and so I wanted to invite you. In person.” He chews on his lip for a moment. “We’re having a Christmas party. You should come.”

As far as invites go, it falls a little flat, but Maya’s feeling as unsure as he looks, so she lets it slide. She studies him for a moment, liking the way it makes him squirm, and narrows her eyes. “You want me to be there?”

He lets out a breath. “Yes.”

“Will your girlfriend be there?”

He looks at her incredulously. “Maya,” he says softly, “there is no girlfriend.”

A beat of silence passes between them, and then two, and then three, and then Maya can’t take it anymore. “Oh.”

“Yeah.”

“Well.” Maya shifts her weight, looking everywhere but his face. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.”

Josh quirks his lips. “No, I mean there was never a girlfriend. I went on dates here and there, but...” he shrugs. “Nothing ever stuck.”

_Nothing ever stuck._ She nods once, trying to be cool and casual, but her heart is hammering in her chest. “Yeah, I’ll be there,” she says vaguely, playing up the nonchalance, knowing he’ll laugh. “I’ll see if I can pencil you in.”

He huffs out a laugh, his breath fogging in the air, and for a moment, they just look at each other. He’s got a vaguely dopey smile that she’s sure is mirrored on her own face, but she can’t bring herself to be embarrassed. Josh is here, and she’s in love with him, and they’re okay.

“Hey, text me later, okay?” He says in a rush, like he’s embarrassed to be saying it at all. There’s a hint of pink on his cheeks. “I miss you.”

Something warm and vibrant blooms in Maya’s chest, and if she hadn’t already been one hundred percent sure she was in love with Josh, she sure as hell is now. She widens her smile, liking the way it makes his eyes go soft, and says, “I miss you, too. But I’m right here.”

His grin grows wider, making him look younger and more boyish, and he nods once. “Good.” They look at each other for a moment longer, and then he clears his throat and rubs the back of his neck. “So, um. I should get back.”

“Yeah,” Maya says. She pulls her cardigan tighter around her. “I’ll text you.”

She could swear there’s a spring in his step when he walks off.

 

* * *

 

As soon as Maya steps over the threshold of the Matthews’ apartment on Christmas Eve, she’s got an armful of Auggie and he’s smacking a kiss to her cheek. “Gotcha!” he giggles, pointing above her head, and she looks up to see mistletoe.

She smiles, pulling him close and tickling him until he’s shrieking with laughter and swatting her hands away. He runs off, and Maya stands, smoothing the front of her dress. It’s new-- well, _new_ as in she found it in the thrift store the day before-- and picks up her bag of presents. “Honey, I’m home,” she calls, and Riley comes skipping over to her.

“Hi! Merry Christmas! Well, Christmas Eve. Oh, you look fantastic!” Riley’s buzzing with excitement, a glazed look in her eyes telling Maya that she’d already been caught under the mistletoe with Lucas once or twice.

Maya’s heart clenches but she forces a smile. “Thanks, Riles. Has the party started yet?”

Riley nods. “Yep. I think I saw Zay and Farkle in the kitchen.”

“Of course,” Maya says, snorting. “I’ll go say hi.”

Riley offers to put Maya’s bag of presents beneath the tree, sending her off to the boys with a suggestive wink. For some reason, Maya’s heart feels heavy. It feels like there’s a new distance between her and Riley, one that’s only visible to her, and everyone is moving on without her. Her fingers graze the shape of her phone in her pocket, still half-hoping Josh will text her, asking if she’s here yet.

Zay intercepts her as soon as she steps into the kitchen. “What’s up, buttercup?” He drawls, half a cookie hanging out of his mouth. He slings an arm around her shoulder. “Here, have some chips.”

“Thanks.” She hops up to sit on the counter. The vibe in the kitchen area already seems down without her adding to it: Farkle is slumped at the table, his chin in his hand, stabbing at a piece of cake with a fork. Maya heaves a sigh.

“Aw, come on, now,” Zay says, shaking a finger at her. “You can’t be sad. It’s Christmas Eve!”

She gives him a faint smile. “Yeah, well, I’ve gotten pretty good at being sad around the holidays.”

That seems to sober Zay up a little, and he fits himself against her side, propping his chin on her shoulder. “It’ll be okay,” he says quietly. Maya has no idea if he knows the context of the situation or not, but it makes her feel better nonetheless.

“Thanks, Zay,” she replies, patting his hand. She juts her chin towards Farkle. “What’s his problem?”

Zay sighs, casting a sad look at the other boy. “Riley stuff. The usual.”

Maya’s heart pangs. If anyone could understand what she’s feeling, it would be Farkle. He’s been in love with Riley for as long as she’s known him. She can’t imagine a lifetime of pining.

Zay straightens and claps his hands once, making both Maya and Farkle jump. “’Kay, that’s enough moping for me. I’ll force y’all to have fun if I have to.”

Maya gives him a half-hearted smile and lets him tug her to her feet, doing the same to Farkle, and together, the three of them make their way through the crowd.

 

* * *

 

Maya doesn’t see Josh until well past midnight.

She tiptoes downstairs once Riley’s fast asleep and she’s got enough nerve, knowing the apartment well enough to avoid the creaky steps. When she peeks around the stairway, she sees Josh sitting on his makeshift bed, the only light in the room coming from the Christmas lights. Taking a deep breath, she steps out, making sure her feet make a soft sound so he knows she’s there.

He stands up quickly when he sees her. “Maya. Hi.” His eyes look wide in the dim lighting, his fingers fidgeting at his sides, and she wonders if he’s dying to touch her as much as she’s dying to touch him. “I was wondering when I’d see you.”

She smiles. “I didn’t want to crowd you at the party.”

His eyebrows furrow. “You wouldn’t have crowded me.”

She nods, unsure of what to say, and brushes past him towards the tree. She could swear she hears him take a sharp intake of breath as she passes, but that might just be her imagination.

His gift is the last one remaining in her bag, and she takes it out, holding it out to him. “Here,” she says, her face warming. “For you.”

He looks like he doesn’t quite believe her at first, but then she gives it a little shake and he’s forced to take it. The package is light and cylindrical, and she’s sure he already knows what it is.

She’s torn between watching and looking away as he opens it, but ultimately the part of her that’s in love with him wins out, and she focuses her gaze on the veins in his arms and the way his fingers deftly unwrap the paper. His unrolls the canvas, and his hands still when it’s all laid out. Maya forces herself to look at his reaction.

His eyes are wide again, and his mouth is slightly open, and he’s staring at her painting with what can only be described as wonder. She watches as he takes in the lines of his own face, the crooked slope of his grin, and then the soft planes of her face next to it. And then Riley’s face, too, on his other side, and Cory, and Topanga, and Auggie. Their family.

“Merry Christmas,” she says softly from beside him, watching his face carefully. “I know it’s not the best present ever, but it’s what I could give, and I hope you like it, because I liked making it--”

“Maya,” he cuts her off gently, shifting his gaze to her. “I love it. Thank you.”

She preens beneath his praise, smiling so wide it’s a little painful. “You’re welcome.”

It’s then that her gaze snags on something. Frowning, she tilts her face upwards, trying to make out the shape of the object hanging from the ceiling. “What the--”

Josh cranes his neck around to look too, and when he makes out what it is, he swallows visibly. “Mistletoe.”

Maya stands up straighter automatically, smoothing her hands down her worn pajamas. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” Josh is determinedly not looking at her. He lets out a breath of a laugh. “Riley hung them up all over. She was determined to catch you and Farkle.”

Maya rolls her eyes. “Of course. She doesn’t get that I don’t like him, much less want to kiss him.”

In the faint orange glow from the Christmas light, she sees Josh’s brow furrow, his fingers toying with his painting. “You’d want to kiss Lucas, though, right?”

What she should say here is that no, she would not want to kiss Lucas, because Lucas is dating her best friend and she wouldn’t do that. Or that no, she would not want to kiss Lucas, because she doesn’t like him anymore. But neither of those things are entirely true, and she goes with the only truth she has. “No. But I would want to kiss you.”

He looks at her, then, and she’s gathered enough courage to stare bravely back, and then her painting is fluttering to the ground and Josh is tucking her hair behind her ear, and she can feel his breath fanning over her face, and she can’t stop staring at his lips, which are moving closer, and her hand tangles itself in his shirt of its own accord and their noses bump and she closes her eyes--

“Uncle Josh?”

They spring apart so fast, Maya’s skin burning, and turn to see Auggie rubbing his eyes in the hallway. “What’s going on?”

Maya’s heart does a flip of panic, but Josh just smooths his hand through his hair, kneeling down to Auggie’s height. “Nothing, buddy. We were just turning off the lights.”

“Okay.” Auggie yawns, leaning into Josh for a lazy hug. “’Night. Love you.”

Josh kisses the top of his head. “Love you too, kid.”

“Goodnight, Maya,” Auggie says over Josh’s shoulder, giving her a little wave. “Love you too.”

Maya gives him a wavering smile and a wave in return, suddenly feeling like she’s going to cry. Her heart is still pounding violently and she presses her hand to her chest, worried that something’s wrong, but then Auggie’s toddling back off to his room and Josh is turning to face her and she has to pretend everything is normal.

They stare at each other for a moment, Josh looking as disheveled as she feels, and she aches to touch him again, to erase the fraction of space that had been left between them--

“That can’t happen again,” he says quietly. 

Maya feels like she’s been slapped. She’s unable to wipe the emotion off her face as quickly as usual, and Josh winces and looks away. Stepping back, she swallows past the lump in her throat. “Merry Christmas, Josh,” she says coldly.

She turns and unplugs the Christmas lights, plunging them into a dark stillness.

 

* * *

 

The next morning, Josh won’t look at her, and honestly, she doesn’t really want to look at him, either. It’s ironic that they now feel further apart than ever, considering how close they’d been the night before.

She stays home and cries a lot, although she’s never quite sure why she’s crying. At first, she thinks it’s because everything is ruined between them, and then she thinks it becomes more about the fact that she’s angry and humiliated. And then it’s because she misses him, and she still loves him, and she’s hurt.

She keeps checking her phone for missed texts or FaceTimes from him even though she knows there won’t be any. For a while, she considers blocking his number just to spite him, but a small part of her worries that if she does that, she’ll never know if he tries to contact her or not.

So she lays in bed, and she sleeps, and she cries. Winter break is perfect for those sorts of things. She would probably spend her whole break in bed if Riley hadn’t ruined it.

Maya’s too lost in her head to hear the front door open or hear the quiet footsteps approaching her door, so when she hears the soft knock, she burrows into her comforter and hides.

Riley comes in anyway. Maya knows because her mattress dips slightly and then Riley is curling up behind her, digging through the comforter to wrap her arms around her. “Hey, Peaches,” she says quietly, smoothing Maya’s tangled hair back from her face.

Maya closes her eyes, focusing on the feel of Riley’s heartbeat against her back, using the sensation to ground her in reality. Riley doesn’t push her, just holds onto her and strokes her hair and hums softly.

Finally, once Maya’s come back into her head enough, she twists around in Riley’s arms to face her. Riley gives her a soft smile, taking her hand. “It’s Lucas, isn’t it?”

Maya is thrown so off guard that she frowns. “What?”

“Why you’ve been so distant lately. It’s because of me and Lucas, isn’t it?” Riley doesn’t look heartbroken or angry, just sad, and her eyes are wide and earnest as she says, “Because I’ll break up with him. If you ask me to, I will, without question. Being with him isn’t worth hurting you.”

Maya shakes her head fiercely. “No, Riles, this isn’t about Lucas.” And as she says it, she realizes it’s true. She suspects there will always be a part of her that mourns the possibility of him, but he’s not what she wants. Not anymore.

Josh is.

“Are you sure?” Riley asks doubtfully. “Because I won’t be mad if it is.”

“I promise you it’s not,” Maya says, squeezing her hand for emphasis. Riley nods hesitantly, believing her. Maya chews her lip, and Riley’s hand touches her cheek, light as a feather.

“Please,” she says, eyes worried, “won’t you tell me what’s wrong?”

Maya forces herself to look up at Riley. “Josh.”

Riley’s face stays soft, and she nods, moving her hand back to Maya’s. “There’s something you should know.”

“What?”

“He’s just a boy,” Riley says quietly. “He’s my family, and I love him, but he is just a boy, and you are Maya Hart.”

Maya cracks a smile. “That’s true.”

“No boy should have control over your emotions,” Riley replies. “No boy should be able to make you feel small.” She smiles softly. “If you have something you want to say to him, you should say it.”

She falls silent then, pressing her face against the crook between Maya’s shoulder and neck, and Maya stays still, mulling over Riley’s words even after her best friend has fallen asleep.

 

* * *

 

A few days later, Maya and the Matthews’ are loading a minivan with camping gear and bags. She’s not quite sure who the van belongs to-- Farkle’s parents, maybe, or Cory and Josh’s parents-- but soon they’re all cramming in and heading East to Vermont.

Cory drives with Topanga in the passenger seat, and then Riley and Maya sprawl across the middle bench, with Auggie and Josh in the back. It drives Maya insane, knowing that Josh is right behind her but she can’t see him without twisting around. She doesn’t know how she’s supposed to survive a six-hour drive like this.

Riley begs for pop music, and Cory obliges, filling the car with synthetic beats that give them road-trip vibes. Auggie starts the Alphabet Game, and Topanga dominates, to no one’s surprise. Josh stretches out in his seat, his eyes closed, and Maya realizes with a jolt that his foot is wedged between her seat and the car door.

Riley is singing along to her song and Auggie has his face pressed against the window, and Maya wishes so badly that the world just consisted of her and Josh, because she just wants to _talk_ , and she _can’t_.

Instead, she reaches down and brushes her fingers against the skin of Josh’s ankle, bare between his pant leg and sock.

Josh jumps at the touch, but she doesn’t dare turn her head, just holds her fingers against his skin long enough for him to know it wasn’t an accident. She wonders if he’s holding her breath like she is.

A moment later, she pulls her hand back, and her fingers are burning.

 

* * *

 

The campsite is beautiful and serene, the warm glow of the sun keeping them from freezing to death. They spill out of the car, bouncing with energy, and together they lug all their stuff to the top of a hill with a beautiful view.

“You did good, Cor,” Josh says, slapping Cory on the back. “This is a pretty nice view.”

“That’s funny,” Cory says, teasing. “From what I remember, you tried to get out of coming, didn’t you?”

Maya glances at Josh, and he at least has the grace to look sheepish. Beside her, Riley frowns. “You didn’t want to come? Why?”

Maya refrains from saying _I know why_ , but just barely. She settles for giving him a cold look and is proud of herself when she doesn’t immediately melt when he glances at her.

“I have a paper due next week and wanted to work on it,” Josh says. The lie sounds so natural that Maya almost believes it. “But I’m glad I’m here.”

Maya raises her eyebrows in disbelief and turns away, setting up her tent. She can feel Josh’s eyes boring into her back, but she pretends she can’t.

Riley senses whatever emotion is simmering beneath Maya’s surface and sticks close to her side, snuggling against her and looping their arms together. Maya can try to be grumpy all she wants, but cuddling with Riley always melts her, and so soon enough they’re snuggled up by the fire Josh started, roasting marshmallows.

Eventually, Auggie climbs into their laps, and then Cory and Topanga join them. Josh is last, and he looks almost awkward as he sets himself in a camping chair on the other side of the fire, completing the circle. He and Maya lock gazes, and she holds it until he looks away, the heat of the fire making his cheeks turn pink.

“It’ll be cold tonight,” Cory says. “Everyone brought warm pajamas, right? And extra socks? And--”

“Yes, Dad,” Riley interrupts with a fond roll of her eyes. Auggie mimics her and the two crack up.

Maya tucks her legs up beneath her chin, slipping her hands beneath her knees to keep them warm. She can see in her peripheral vision that Josh is looking at her, and she is all at once pleased and angry, because she’s glad he’s looking at her, but what _right_ does he have?

“So... I’ve been thinking about some things,” Josh says suddenly, his voice cutting through Riley and Auggie’s mockery of Cory. Everyone quiets down, and Maya feels an uncomfortable tightness in her chest-- a sense of foreboding. She’s not going to like whatever Josh says next.

He leans his elbows on his knees, casting his eyes at the fire. “I love NYU, and I love staying at the apartment, but I think I need a change.”

“You’re moving back into your dorm?” Cory asks, sounding somewhat hurt.

But Josh shakes his head. “I... no. I’ve been thinking a lot about it, and... just with things that have happened this semester, I think it’d be best if I... went away for a while.”

Maya feels her face crease with worry. When she looks at Riley, she looks just as confused.

“With my scholarships and my work study, I’ve got enough savings to go abroad for a semester.”

They all fall quiet, even Auggie. But Maya’s heart is thundering so loudly against her chest that she’s sure someone is going to hear it, and so she says, with a joking lilt to her voice, “What, like, Canada?”

He meets her gaze, and she knows he knows her well enough to see the panic and pleading in her eyes-- _please don’t go, please don’t go, please don’t go_. But instead of taking it all back, he shakes his head and says “Europe.”

Topanga is the first one to react, pulling him into a hug and saying how proud she is, and it’s good she made the first move, because the rest of them are sitting still, mouths parted. If Maya thinks _her_ heart is breaking, she can’t imagine what Cory and Riley must be feeling.

“It’s only a semester,” Josh stumbles on, seeing the look on his brother’s face. “And it’s not-- it’s not anything you did, if that’s what you’re thinking. This semester has just been-- kind of weird, and I think a change would be good for a while.”

“Well,” Riley says, tossing her shoulders back. “You have my permission, but only if you call or FaceTime every week.” She pauses. “And send me gifts.”

Josh laughs. “Deal.” He looks at his brother. “Cor?”

There’s a slight pause, and suddenly Maya feels the gaping hole where a family should be-- one who is always on her side and who cares about what she does. She has her mom, of course, and Shawn, in a way, but not like this. Nothing could compare to this.

“Hey, if it’s what you want, then I want it, too,” Cory says finally, and Josh’s face splits in a smile so big Maya imagines it’s painful. She presses her face into her knees, watching the family hug and laugh and love each other, and she misses her mom and Shawn and she misses _Josh_ , even though he’s right _there_ , and the longing in her chest has grown so big that she feels overwhelmed. She touches Riley’s arm. “I’m going to bed.”

Riley’s face softens, and she pulls Maya in for a quick hug. “I love you, Peaches.”

“I love you too, Honey.”

She slinks away from the fire like a scorned mutt and pretends she’s not hurt when Josh doesn’t stop her.

 

* * *

 

Against her will, she drifts in and out of sleep for the next few hours, time passing and voices from the campfire blurring together in her head. She’s bundled up in her tent, and when at one point she wakes up and notices Riley asleep beside her, she jolts up, worried at how much time has passed.

Her stomach growls, and she realizes belatedly that she hadn’t eaten dinner. She unzips herself from her sleeping bag and climbs clumsily over Riley, doing her best to not step on her. The night air is cold, so it could be anywhere between 9 P.M. and 9 A.M., and she stumbles out of her tent in a daze, still not quite awake. Everyone seems to have retreated to their tents, so she’s left alone to poke around the campfire and see if any food had been left out.

She hears a quiet sound and jerks her head around, narrowing her eyes. She’ll fight a bear if she has to, but she really doesn’t _want_ to--

Josh climbs out of his tent, rubbing a hand blearily over his eyes, and Maya drops the marshmallow she’d been holding.

She stills like a deer caught in the headlights and waits for him to say something first. It takes him a moment to wake himself up enough to see clearly, and then his gaze catches on her, his eyes widening. “Oh. Hi. Sorry.”

Maya crosses her arms. “Sorry for completely humiliating me at the party or completely blindsiding me by telling me you’re leaving the country?”

He lifts his shoulders up to his ears. “Both. But I didn’t-- I didn’t mean to do either of those things.”

Maya snorts, turning back to dig through the bag of smores ingredients. “Yeah, whatever.”

“Hey,” he says, and she can hear the crunch of leaves beneath his feet as he navigates over to her. He touches her shoulder and she can’t help but shiver at the contact. “I mean it. I never meant to hurt you. I know that’s a shitty excuse, but you have to understand. This isn’t easy for me, either.”

She whirls on him. “What’s not easy for you?” She asks, getting up in his face. “What is _this?_ Do you even know?”

“Do _you?_ ” He shoots back.

That shuts her up, and for a moment, they just stare at each other, their chests heaving. He’s wearing a hoodie and his hair is messed up from sleep and she wants so badly to touch him, but she can’t because it’s not allowed.

She wonders if he knows. If he feels the same way. Like his skin itches where he wants her to touch it.

“I like you,” Maya says, her voice quiet and unsure. “I think I might love you. I know we can’t, but that doesn’t change what I know in my heart.”

She’s never seen Josh like this before-- soft and vulnerable and open. But then she realizes with a jolt that she _has_ seen him like this before. The night he moved back in, and the day he invited her to the party, and the night they almost kissed.

She thinks she might have just broken his heart.

“This isn’t fair,” Josh says, and she doesn’t know if he’s talking to her or himself, but she listens anyway. “You make me so happy, and I can’t even be with you.”

She grips his hands in hers. “We’re friends. Best friends, after Riley. You have me in every way but one.”

“I know,” he says. He still looks sad.

“What if,” she begins, her heart pounding as she formulates the idea, “we have tonight? Just one night. And we see how we feel tomorrow, and how we feel in three years.”

His eyes are wide now, and she wants to live in this moment where she’s laid it all on the line and he hasn’t turned her down yet. “Maya, I don’t know. I mean, I know I want to, and I know I like you too-- like, a lot-- and I can’t believe this is actually happening, and I don’t know if--”

She takes his face in her hands and presses her lips to his.

He’s so caught off-guard by it that he keeps talking for a few moments, his ramblings muffled against her mouth, but then he seems to catch up to what’s happening because he wraps his arms around her back, pulling her closer. She’s on her tiptoes, swaying into him, and she is thinking so many things at once that she can’t process any of them. All she knows is that his lips are so soft and he’s being so gentle and she loves him so much and she can’t believe this is happening after all this time. She smiles against his mouth, her heart swelling when she feels him doing the same, and she wishes she could kiss him forever.

But they have to breathe, so they pull apart and rest their foreheads together, Maya sinking down off her tiptoes. “Maya,” Josh breathes, his breath fanning over her face. His chest is heaving again, but this time for an entirely different reason.

Maya closes her eyes and smiles, still basking in the kiss, and winds her arms around his neck. She feels dizzy and dazed, and she knows she’s blushing madly when she tells him “My heart is beating so fast.”

He laughs, sounding just as awestruck as her. “Me too,” he says. He takes one of her hands and presses it over his heart, and sure enough, it’s racing.

She curls her fingers into the fabric of his sweatshirt and tugs just enough to make him stumble back into her, their lips meeting again. He tangles his fingers in her hair this time, and she feels her eyelashes flutter against his cheek. She’s going to pass out if he keeps kissing her like this.

He mouths her name against her lips and it tickles, making her nose scrunch up. “What?”

Josh’s eyes are side as he pulls back to look at her. “You know that tomorrow--”

“Yeah,” she whispers. “I know.”

He tucks a piece of her hair behind her ear and she leans into the touch, closing her eyes. “Thank you for giving me tonight, at least,” she says.

He smiles, a dimple appearing on his cheek. She wants to kiss him for the rest of the night, but the rising sun is turning the sky pink behind him, and she knows their time is up. She steps back, out of his arms, her hands falling from his chest, like they were never there at all.

“I love you,” she says.

He smiles at her. “I know.”

_Three years_ , she thinks to herself, drawing in a deep breath. It’s not so long. It’s hardly any time at all.


End file.
